


as endless as forever (you own my heart)

by ad_infinitum



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, Heart Disease, Jealousy, M/M, Sick Fic, Sick!Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4034395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ad_infinitum/pseuds/ad_infinitum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then he’ll hate himself. He hates himself for being so weak. He hates himself that he has this disease. He hates himself making everyone around him worried. He hates himself.</p><p>Then his boyfriend would just hug him and tell him everything will be okay. He’ll whisper in his ear that he’s the most beautiful and he’ll beat this heart disease. That he knows he’s a fighter and he can survive it. Then he will make him a cup of tea and he’ll cuddle him as they watch whatever movie Harry wanted. And for the few hours, Harry will forget all the problems and everything felt just like the same as before. Like everything is perfect.</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where Harry have a heart disease and Niall will do anything for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as endless as forever (you own my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> Umm... Hello! :))
> 
> This is the first Narry fanfiction I ever wrote. I hope that you'll like it. :))
> 
> And this is unbeta'd so I'm sorry for any mistakes. :))

Harry always lived a perfect life, per se.

At the young age of 24, he's already a financial director in one of the in demand record label today. Everyone respected him and they looked at him highly. He's got good reputation at the company and he's always praised by his co-workers.

He's also got a mum that always supports him, a sister that loves him, a stepdad that treats him like his own son, and friends that always got his back.

And he's also living with the most precious guy that he calls his boyfriend. He got this guy that makes his everyday life better, and he’s always there on his side since forever.

And everything is perfect for Harry.

Until it’s not.

The doctor said it’s a heart disease; a heart disease that he inherited from his father. Also, the same illness that killed his father several years ago. The doctor said that there should be nothing to be scared about. It’s still not that perilous, but there are few medicines that he needed to take and weekly check-ups for monitoring. He also need to be more careful.

And that changed everything for Harry.

He still has that great job and still his co-workers respected him. But there’s the pity that’s always visible in their eyes and the change of attitude towards him. He's like a ticking bomb that they’re afraid to touch, like if they might create a wrong move and he’ll explode.

These actions didn’t go unnoticed by his parents. Of course, they're the CEOs of the record label and they’re always there for Harry. But they also understand why everyone is like that to Harry since they too act like that around him. Harry is like a glass that they need to handle with care. They needed to take care of him.

And Harry is really grateful for their concern, really. But he hates it. He hates it when they do that around him. He hates that just because he has this stupid disease, everyone around him changes. Everything around him changes.

And then he started to question, why? Why does it have to be him? It’s not like he wants Gemma to have this illness, but why do his father have that heart disease and pass it into him? Why do everything needs to go into this? Everything is perfect for Harry and it only takes a few seconds for this illness to break it into pieces.

And then he’ll hate himself. He hates himself for being so weak. He hates himself that he has this disease. He hates himself making everyone around him worried. He hates himself.

Then his boyfriend would just hug him and tell him everything will be okay. He’ll whisper in his ear that he’s the most beautiful and he’ll beat this heart disease. That he knows he’s a fighter and he can survive it. Then he will make him a cup of tea and he’ll cuddle him as they watch whatever movie Harry wanted. And for the few hours, Harry will forget all the problems and everything felt just like the same as before. Like everything is perfect.

 

///

 

It only takes a cup of coffee for Harry to lose it.

Harry knows it’s ridiculous to feel like this because he knows that he won’t do that. He’s living with him and he’s been with him for like five years. Harry grew up with him and he knows him like he knows himself.

And Harry knows that he won’t do what he is thinking, but he saw how everything unfold in his life, and this girl is no exception.

So when Harry saw this girl give him a cup of coffee and a kiss on the cheek, Harry’s mind went mad.

Every little black thought entered Harry’s mind as he step back from the door. He felt the back of his eyes burn and his chest tightens, and it’s hard for him to breathe anymore. His long legs started to run and he doesn’t know where he’s going anymore. He just ran and ran and he thought that, no, it can’t be.

His feet halted and he cannot breathe anymore. He felt like everything is spinning around him. His legs collapsed and now everything is black.

 

///

 

Harry thinks that maybe it’s the beeping.

But when he heard quiet sobs, he knows that it’s not the constant beeps that woke him up; it’s the cries of his mum.

He tries to open his eyes just to be blinded by the lights. He heard a gasp and rush clicks on the floor.

“Mum?” Harry croaks out, throat too dry from lack of use.

“Harry, baby.” Harry saw his mum standing on his side, her eyes too red from crying as she takes a glass of water on the bedside table. “Here, drink these.”

Harry takes a sip from straw and he felt the cold rush go to his throat down to his chest. The door creaked open and Gemma comes in with fruits on her hands. She places it on the table and immediately went to the side of Harry.

“Are you okay, baby brother?” Gemma asks worriedly.

“I’m fine, stop calling me that.” Harry chuckles, his voice much deeper than before.

Gemma rolls her eyes, “You scared all of us.”

Harry sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry, baby.” Anne kisses his head, her eyes red. “Just be more careful next time.”

Harry nods, “Yeah, I’m sorry. How long am I asleep?”

“Almost six hours.” Anne answers. Gemma went back to the table and Harry’s eyes scanned the whole room.

The room is too cozy to be a normal hospital room, he thought. There's a flat screen tv and sofa on the side, and the walls painted lught brown. But when he realizes that it’s just the three of them in the room, the coziness went out of his head and his chest tightens. What if…?

“Don’t worry,” Gemma tells him when she notices the beeps on the heart monitor rapids. “He went back to your house to get some clothes. He should be on his way back now.”

And when the door creak open, the guy immediately threw the bag at the sofa and ran to his side when he saw Harry awake.

“You’re awake.” He says almost breathlessly, and Harry chuckles.

“Yes, Ni. I am awake.” Harry smiles, and Niall takes his hand.

“Do you know how much you scared me?” Niall looks at him worriedly and Harry felt guilty. “We’re thankful that those guys who saw you collapse brought you here. What we’re you thinking?”

Harry saw in his peripheral vision his mum and his sister walk out of the room, giving them privacy. Harry silently thanked them.

“I’m sorry.” Harry mutters.

Niall sighs, “It’s alright. But Harry, what happened? Those guys said they saw you running then collapse as soon as you stopped. Why did you do that? You know that running is bad for your heart.”

And everything Harry saw went back to his mind, and there’s sudden burn in his throat.

“Harry, baby, calm down for me, will you?” Niall says gently as he rubs his thumb on the back of Harry’s hand. This calmed Harry, and when his breathing is fine, he then felt hot burn on the back of his eyes.

“I-it’s just…” Harry croaks and then the tears are rushing down his cheeks. Niall sat down on the bed beside Harry and lets him cuddle on his side, knowing that this soothes Harry.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't thought of that.” Harry takes a deep breath and Niall kept quiet. “It’s just, I was about to buy you your favorite coffee when I saw…” Harry trails and the quiet tears kept rushing down his cheeks.

“Why are you going to buy me my favorite coffee?” Niall asks, his hand brushing Harry’s arm.

“I want to surprise visit you. I don’t have much work and the sales went up this month. I just want to share that news to you.” Harry tells him and Niall smiles.

“Wow, babe, that’s great.” Niall congratulates him. Harry smiles.

“And then, when I was about to go to that coffee shop near your work, I saw you with her.” Harry mutters, “I saw her giving you a coffee then kissing you on your cheek. And that’s when I lost it.” Harry sighs.

“You know that I won’t do that to you, babe.” Niall says quietly.

“Yes, I know that. That’s what I’m reminding myself while I’m running away. And I hate myself for even thinking about it when I know you for life and I know that you won’t do it. And now, look what I got myself into.” Harry laughs bitterly and Niall hugs him tightly.

“Stop saying that.” Niall tells him as he takes Harry’s face in both hands. “You know that I love you, right? You’re my boyfriend, I am with you now and you’re my present and my future. Barbara… She’s in the past. She’ll always be in the past, remember that.”

Harry nods, and Niall kisses him.

They kiss for a while, tasting every inch of each other like a seal of promise, reminding each other of what they feel. Pouring their heart out to that simple kiss and as they break apart to catch their breaths, Harry smiles.

“I love you, too.” Harry says. “And I’m sorry for even thinking of that.”

Niall smiles as he kisses Harry's forehead. “It’s alright and please, don’t do that again.”

Harry snuggles on Niall’s side and sighs with content. And Harry was about to fall asleep when Niall mutters, “Barbara is a new employee in the company, if you’re curious. She’s a bookkeeper and we just bumped at the coffee shop. I didn't even know that she's the new recruit until we talked to each other.”

Harry smiles, “Does that mean that she won’t be meeting up with the head of marketing department anytime soon?”

Niall looks at him, “It depends, and there are many bookkeepers in the company. You should know about that.”

And when Harry grins at him, Niall pinched his nose, “Always known you’re a jealous git.”

“Hey.” Harry touched his nose as Niall grins at him. “I just don’t want to share.”

Niall laughs loudly.

And when Harry’s mum and sister entered with the nurse who’s looking at them sharing the bed, he ignores her and he snuggles back on Niall’s side.

 

///

 

It’s in the 9th week of his check-up when Harry notices it.

He’s standing in front of the mirror only in his boxers and he saw it. He never realizes that this illness will come to these. He should’ve known since it’s a serious disease and it can affect any part of his body. But when he saw his ribs poking out of his skin, his tanned skin gone, and his toned abs not visible anymore, it hits him hard.

He blinked hard at the reflection in front of him and he just thinks that it’s the side effects of this illness. But he can’t help feeling down and hating himself about it. He’s always proud of his own body. He always worked hard and eats the right diet for the muscles on his arms, thighs, and stomach to form defined. He never felt ashamed on showing his tattooed body to anyone. And Niall would always compliment him on how nice his body is.

But now he felt like burying himself in mountains of blanket. And he hates his body.

When he wears his clothes, and his skinny jeans not as tight as before, and his Rolling Stones shirt don’t hug his torso like it always does, he felt ashamed of his body. Even when Niall tells him he looks really good, he still felt ashamed of his body and gave him a small smile.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Niall asks when he noticed Harry’s quietness.

“Nothing, babe. You coming with me?” Harry says as he picks up his keys.

Niall just kisses his cheek then brings his mug to the sink. “No, babe. I have an important meeting this morning. Is it alright if you go by yourself?” Niall asks softly.

“Of course.” Harry just smiles.

“You want to eat first? I’ll cook you before I hit the showers.” Niall offers.

“Nah, ‘m not hungry.” Harry shrugs and when Niall looks at him, he just kisses him and said his goodbye.

And when Harry faced the doctor, that where he realizes it’s becoming more serious. The doctor said that his current meds doesn’t work anymore. The conflict on his heart is becoming more convoluted, and he needs stronger meds. The doctor also tells him that he should be taking more rest and be careful with his emotions, as it takes a lot of effect on his heart.

These warnings made Harry more anxious. The doctor said that the bleeding on Harry's heart is starting to grow bigger than before, and if these new meds do not work, he might undergo heart transplant.

That crushed Harry’s whole world. And then again, he hates himself for it. He hates that he didn’t take care of himself better. Maybe it’s the work that he focuses more than his own self, or it’s the diet that his doctor told him but didn’t followed, and he hates himself for letting these all happen.

And when he arrives at their house, he went straight to their room and buried himself in their sheets. He ignores the ringing of his phone that's probably his mum or Niall asking about the check-up. He’ll just deal with them later.

And when he smelt the scent of mint and grass on Niall’s pillow, he let all the tears rush down his cheeks. This crying might not be helping on his heart's current situation, but this definitely made what he’s feeling a little better.

So he just cries, and cries, and cries. Until, his sobs turn into hiccups and before he knows it, he’s sleeping.

 

///

 

It all started when Harry heard his own phone crash on the floor.

He shuffled in his bed and when he picked up and checked his phone, he sighed in relief when there’s no serious damage on it. He checked the messages and replied to his mum and Niall. It’s seven o’ clock in the evening and he made no actions in going out of his bed. Maybe they’ll just order food when Niall gets home.

Harry idly played with his phone, and before he realizes it, he’s opening the Instagram app. He scrolled down his timeline, liking few pictures of his friends and selfies of Gemma, and then he passes it.

It’s was posted by a friend and also a co-worker of Niall. It was just posted last night. It was a group picture of them at a club. But what really caught Harry’s eyes are the last two people on the side. It was Niall and Barbara.

Harry felt his chest tighten, but he ignores it. In the picture, Niall and Barbara are standing closely to each other. Niall was grinning widely with his arm around Barbara’s waist, his other hand holding a glass of beer. And Barbara has her arm around Niall’s shoulder, her other hand also holding a glass of what looks like a tequila, and her face slightly snuggled on Niall’s neck, laughing about something Harry doesn’t know.

And Harry felt his breath quicken, and he knows that he should stop looking at the picture, but he can’t help it. He can’t help not to stare at the picture and feel his heart breaking. Even though he knows that they’re just friends, just like what Niall says to him.

But he can’t help thinking that, what if they got back together? You don’t pose like that with your _friends,_ right?

And Harry’s thought went back to past, when they’re still in uni. When they’re just best friends and he watched Niall be taken by Barbara. He remembers going to the club with their friends and watch the two of them grind on each other. He remembers wishing that it was him Niall was dancing with. And he recalls the time when he finally has Niall, and Barbara tried to take him back.

And it all scares him.

He felt his throat tightening up as he felt the jealousy at the thought of his boyfriend being with his ex, the fear that he might lose Niall and the hate to himself that maybe Niall’s getting sick of him.

He didn’t know he’s looking at the picture for a long time until he felt Niall’s big hands touched Harry’s face gently.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Harry looked at Niall’s eyes and he saw the worry in there. Niall’s still wearing his button-up shirt and his briefcase on the bed, making it clear that he walked straight at Harry when he entered.

And then all the tears came rushing down his face. Niall cradled him while Harry let it all out.

“Are you getting sick of me?” Harry asks between hiccups. “You don’t want me anymore?”

“What?! Babe,” Niall looks at him in the eyes, “No, I will never get tired of you. What made you think of that?”

And when Harry just cries and never answers, Niall took his phone and saw the picture that’s still displayed on the screen.

“You think I’ll leave you, because of Barbara?” Niall asks as he places Harry’s phone on the bedside table.

Harry just looks at the ground and didn’t utter a word.

“Harry, that’s ridiculous. She’s just a frie-“

“How could she be just your friend? Friends don’t pose like that, Niall! She’s snuggled by your side! You look like a couple there!” Harry fired. He pushes away from Niall as his chest tightens.

“She’s drunk that time, Harry! What do you want me to do? Leave her there on her own?” Niall fired back.

“But you don’t do that to your friends, Niall. What is she, an exception?” Harry felt his breathe quicken but he didn’t make any move to get his meds.

“Why are you so jealous of her? She’s not doing anything wrong! We’re just friends, Harry.” Niall says with a glare, and now Harry felt his eyes brim with tears again.

“Why are you defending her? Are you siding with her now? Are you getting tired of me?” Harry questions and Niall looked at him in confusion.

“What? I – Har – What made you think of that? I’m not siding with her or anything. I’m not siding with anyone in this because everything is so stupid! You’re being ridiculous.” Niall snaps, he’s gripping his blond locks and Harry’s already having trouble breathing. “What part of the word ‘friends’ you don’t understand, Harry? And why are you being like this?!”

Harry felt everything spin around him and he can’t breathe anymore. Everything hurts and everything is so overwhelming. “Because- I- I- don’t-“ He wasn’t able to finish what he was saying when he felt his head hit the bed.

 

///

 

Maybe it’s the beeping again.

But when Harry felt quiet sobs and tight grip on his hand, then it’s not the beeping.

He opens his eyes and he’s blinded by the lights, and it’s like déjà vu. Except now, it’s Niall who greeted him when his eyes adjusted to the lights.

“I’m sorry.” Niall croaks out as he wipes his tears with his sleeves.

Niall gives him water and when he felt the cold rush on this throat, he immediately speaks.

“It’s not your fault, Niall. It’s mine.” Harry smiles weakly, but Niall shakes his head.

“No, it’s my fault. I should’ve talked to you calmly. I wish I never yelled or even raised my voice at you. Or I should’ve not posed with Barbara like that. I’m so sorry, baby.” Niall says and he’s crying.

This shocks Harry because Niall never cries. It’s rare for Niall Horan to cry. The last time Harry saw Niall cry was when his parents and brother died in a car accident. And that was a decade ago.

Then Harry felt fear. Something is up. Niall never cries, ever. Even their stupid argument about Harry being jealous at Barbara was impossible for Niall to cry about.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Harry asks quietly and as if on cue, Anne, Gemma, Robin – his stepdad – and his doctor come in.

Niall immediately wiped his tears as he excused himself. He looked at his mum and saw the weariness there. His sister and his stepdad just look the same as his mum.

“Mum, what’s wrong?” He asks. It scares him and Harry hates being clueless. He doesn’t know what to do when he doesn’t even know what was wrong.

The doctor cleared his throat, and Harry looked at him. “Do you still remember what I told you yesterday?”

Harry felt like he’s missing something and he just slowly nodded his head.

“And you still remember that your emotions can trigger your heart, right?” the doctor asks again and Harry just nodded his head impatiently, wanting this asking to be over and be straight on the point.

“Well, with your sudden outburst last night, according to Mr. Horan. It triggered the bleeding in your heart to spread out and it now cannot function properly. We need to do something or else this will take your life, Mr. Styles.” The doctor explained and Harry felt his breath hitch.

“What?” Harry asks dumbly. Now he doesn’t know what to feel.

“We need you to go under heart transplant, Mr. Styles.”

 

///

 

It took them almost two months to find the compatible heart.

Harry is already bedridden when this happens. He still can do things, but his doctor recommends that he should stay in the hospital and get rest.

When Harry asks who the owner of the heart is, they won’t say the name. They said that the family of the donor wants anonymity. Harry’s still thankful that his life will be extended because of this generous donor.

The doctor said that the transplant will be on two days since its better if they do it sooner than later, and Harry is more than ready.

Now, Niall’s currently on his side and he’s been like that for the past two months. He’s always at Harry’s side, only leaving if necessary. He also filed for several months of leave, for him to take care of Harry while he battled with the disease, which made Harry angry at him for several minutes. But still, Harry’s grateful for Niall to be just beside him.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Niall asks out of nowhere.

“Um… Banana please.” Harry answers, smiling at Niall.

“You always eat banana, you’ll look like yellow now.” Niall jokes horribly as he gives Harry a banana.

“And you say that my jokes are horrible.” Harry exclaims.

“What? It’s just a one-time thing, yours is like… always-time thing.” Niall states, making Harry facepalm himself.

“Oh, god. You’re the worst.” Hatry peels the banana and bites into it.

“You love me.” Niall makes a kissy face at him making Harry chuckle.

“Well, you’re right at that one.” Harry shrugs. “And now I’m questioning why did I love you in the first place.”

Niall places his hand on his heart and fakes gasp. “Ouch. You forgot my amazing cooking; you hurt my… left boob.” He says as he squeezes his left breast.

Harry laughs out loud, “Oh my god!”

“I’ll miss that.” Niall suddenly says that made Harry stop laughing.

“What?” Harry asks in confusion.

“I mean, I _missed_ that, your laugh. I missed hearing your loud laugh.” Niall smiles.

“Awwh.” Harry cooed in which Niall laughed.

“But you know what?” Harry blurts out of nowhere. “If I know who the donor is, I’ll go to them and hug them tightly and I’ll thank them a hundred times, or even just their parents. It’s because of them that I’ll have a second chance in life, y’know? And when I’m totally okay, I want the both of us to have a vacation in Australia for a month.”

“We have our jobs, you git. Our bosses will kill us.” Niall grins.

“I don’t care. I want us to go there. It’s like a celebration for the second life. And I want us to adopt a dog or a cat, because I think we badly need one. And we’ll have a date in Paris, like in the Eifel Tower. And we’ll buy a cottage in Ireland so we have somewhere to stay when we want to go there. And we’re going to do that all when I’m fully healed.” Harry states and Niall admire him.

“Hmm… That probably costs all the money we kept.” Niall smirks but Harry pouts at him.

Niall hesitates but gave up entirely, “Okay, okay. We’ll… do that, when you’re fully healed.”

“Yes!” Harry cheered and Niall mutters, “You’re such a kid.”

Harry just smiles at him and kisses him deeply.

 

///

 

Tomorrow is Harry’s heart transplant.

But now, he’s sitting on a wheel chair and he’s very certain that they’re on an elevator with the blindfold and all.

“Are we there already?” Harry asks curiously as he heard the ding. Niall told him to dress nice and wear the blindfold. He wishes he never wore the blindfold, since he hates not knowing whatever Niall plans. But he’s excited, nonetheless.

“Nope, not yet.” Niall says and Harry can definitely hear the grin on his voice. He felt Niall push him somewhere and when the wheelchair halted to stop. He suddenly felt nervous. Then, there’s hands that slides on the back of his legs and on his back, and he’s being lifted on air.

“I can walk, you know?” Harry states as Niall lifted him upstairs.

“I don’t want you to trip. You trip over your own foot in broad daylight. Can you imagine what would happen if you walk upstairs with blindfolds?” Niall deadpans and Harry didn’t answer. “That’s what I'm saying.”

“Oh, god.” Harry laughs as he felt himself being lowered down into something soft. He can feel that he’s sitting on a hard concrete but his hands touched soft cloth. Blanket.

Niall removed his blindfolds and he’s met by lots of candle lights and a huge wave of cold air. He then realizes that they’re on the hospital’s rooftop.

Harry was in awe then Niall sits in front of him. “You liked it?”

“Of course, but don’t you think we’ll be burned alive here?” Harry gestures at the candles as he smiles.

“Don’t worry, they’re not real candles. There won’t be light anymore if they’re real candles, with the cold wind and all.” Niall gets the basket near them and pulls out few sandwiches.

“It’s really great here. Real sweet.” Harry smiles at Niall and he munches on his sandwich.

“It’s good that you liked it here. Had to bribe the security team to let us go here.” Niall grins at him.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“But I want to take you on a date.” Niall smiles sweetly at him. “And here’s the last place that I can take you since you’re not allowed to go out the hospital. Your doctor might whip me if I sneaked you out to a restaurant, can’t risk that.”

Harry laughs and smiles adoringly at him. “God, I love you. How did I ever deserve you?”

Niall stills and touches his cheek. “I love you, too. And don’t ever think that you don’t deserve me. I am with you because I love you and I want to spend every minute of my life with you.”

Niall made Harry smile with every word he said. He made him feel special and Harry felt like he’s falling in love with Niall all over again. Their night was full of surprises from Niall and Harry feels like normal again. Like, everything is just like before, before this heart disease and everything is normal. They ate all the foods Niall made, and Niall serenaded Harry with songs that mean a lot to them. And everything is perfect.

“You know what?” Niall asks out of nowhere while they lay there on the blanket. Harry snuggles tighter on Niall’s side with his head on his chest as he hums in response. “I never really thought I’d end up with you.”

Harry lifted his head and looks at Niall, “Wow, that’s an inspiring start.”

Niall chuckles, “But when Barbara broke up with me and you held me that night, I realized that she aren’t worth my time. You made me realize that it’s better to be with that person who saw the worst part of you and still be at your side. It was you who made me feel what the true love is. And I’m really grateful for that.”

Harry felt the warmth spread on his chest and he’s smiling. He can’t stop smiling at Niall and it’s overwhelming, in a good way.

“I love you.” Harry whispers and Niall smiles widely at him.

“I love you, too.” Niall replies. “And mind you, you definitely look like a lesbian before so it’s still a shock for me.” Niall grins.

Harry gasps. Everyone always teases him about looking like a lesbian back in the middle school, and it never fails to annoy Harry. “How dare you?!”

Niall laughs, “You definitely look like one, but it’s cute.”

“You think I’m cute.” Harry beams and Niall grins at him.

“I think you’re the cutest, sexiest, and most handsome lad I’d ever met.” Niall says with a wink and Harry felt all his blood go in his face as Niall chuckles.

“And you’re blushing. Now, that’s cute. It’s cute that you’re already twenty four and I can still make you blush like that.” Niall comments and Harry hides his face on Niall’s neck.

“Shut up.” Harry mumbles and he kisses Niall’s neck, making him stop from laughing.

“Don’t do that.” Niall warns and Harry kisses his neck again, right at the spot below Niall’s ear.

“Do what?” Harry asks innocently as he kisses the spot again.

“Things like that, stop doing that.” Niall whines but made no move in stopping Harry. “I might not stop myself.”

“Stop yourself from what?” Harry pushes as he suppresses his laugh. He bites Niall’s earlobe and Niall suddenly rolled on top of him, making him yelp.

“From doing things you don’t even wanna know.” Niall playfully growls in his ear and it sends shiver down Harry’s spine.

“But I don’t want to.” Harry says innocently and before he knows it, a pair of soft lips is on his own.

Niall’s lips molded perfectly on Harry’s lips and it sends thousands of butterflies in his stomach. Their liplocking turned into something more and it made Harry’s body felt on fire. Every bite and touch of Niall’s tongue into his own send Harry’s body possibly hotter.

And when he felt Niall’s lips on his jaw, on his neck, on his torso, he felt every inch of his skin turn red and it’s scorching hot. He felt every touch of their skin send tingling all over his body. The every hit of cold air into his skin went ignored as Niall’s embrace sends his body on fire. And every sound they emit is like music to the quiet eerie night.

And they made their love visible to the moon and the stars above, to the dark night the surrounds them, and to every single candle light on the floor.

And to Harry, it’s perfect. Everything is perfect.

 

///

 

This is it. Harry thinks.

His mum, his stepdad, and his sister said their good luck. They told him he can survive it, and it made Harry stronger and more possibly excited for it to be done.

This is it. He thinks again.

“Good luck, my love.” Niall whispers as he grips his hand. “You can do it. You’re a fighter.”

“Yeah.” Harry whispers back and Niall kisses his forehead.

“I love you and you own my heart, always remember that.” Niall mumbles in his skin and Harry smiles.

“I love you, too.” Harry says and Niall kisses him. He kisses him deeply and sweetly, as if remembering the touch of his lips.

And when they pull apart, he felt Niall’s lips ghost over his and it made Harry more courageous to finish this.

“I love you.” He heard Niall whisper and then he’s being pushed out of the room. The squeak of his bed’s wheels and the quiet talk of the nurses echo down the hallway.

And when they entered him in the dark room, he thinks,

This is it.

 

///

 

The steady beeps echoes in the room and everyone sighs in relief.

The doctor walked out of the room straight to the lady.

“The transplant of Harry Styles is successful, ma’am.”

 

///

 

A straight beep echoes in the room and no one made noise.

The doctor glances at his watch as the nurse looked at him expectantly.

“Niall Horan. Dead as of 11:21 PM.”

 

///

 

Harry liked to think that it the beeping.

But when he heard his mum’s sobs, then he thought that it’s like déjà vu.

He tries to open his eyes just to be blinded by light and it’s like déjà vu. Everything felt like déjà vu, except now that he’s feeling better and he’s can now breathe properly.

And it felt perfect.

He scanned the whole room and his mum, his sister, and his stepdad are there. His friends are there too. All of them have these bright smiles on their faces but it doesn’t quite reach their eyes. And he felt this dull effect hanging on his room.

Something isn’t quite right.

“Where’s Niall?” Harry croaks out after he sips the water his mum gave him, and something shifts in the room.

“Where’s Niall?” Harry asks again, slower this time, and no one looks at him in the eye.

And he felt his heart drop to his stomach.

Something is wrong.

“Mum, where’s Niall?” He asks frantically and his mum soothes him.

“He’s… He’s at your home.” It’s Gemma. She spoke quietly but Harry still catches what she said and it sends relief to his chest.

He thought something happened to him.

“How’s you’re feeling, son?” Robin – his stepdad – asks gently.

Harry nods, “It’s good. I can now breathe properly.”

Robin smiles at him and his friends came rushing to his side.

And it’s good, even though he felt incomplete without Niall there on his side, it’s good.

 

///

 

The door opens and Harry huffs in disappointment.

It’s the doctor again. Harry thinks.

It’s already four days since his heart transplant, and everything felt better. His breathing is better, his body his better, his health is better. He’s better.

But it’s also four days since he last saw Niall, and Harry’s not okay with it. He felt incomplete. It made him sad that he’s not there when he first woke up, but he’s still waiting. Waiting for him to come and grin at him for surviving the heart transplant.

And every time the door opens, Harry’s chest jump in excitement, but his excitement always end up in disappointment.

The doctor walks in with the nurse in tow and they went straight to Harry’s bed.

“How are you, Mr. Styles?” the doctor asks in greeting.

“I’m good.” Harry replies then the doctor nodded.

The doctor told them that Harry can go home. He still has few meds to take for maintenance and still needs to have rest, but all in all he’s good. The nurse took out the needle on his hand and all other tubes that’s connected to his body and he’s done.

“So, it’s goodbye then, Mr. Styles.” Harry shook his hand and the doctor smiles.

“Thank you for your service doctor.” Anne shakes the doctor’s hand firmly.

“It’s my pleasure, Mrs. Twist.” He then smiles at Harry and he’s out of the room with the nurse.

And Harry left staring at the door. He knows that he’s okay now, but he didn’t feel any better.

He wants to see Niall. He wants his Niall in his side. Like he always do.

 

///

 

The ride home is too quiet for Harry’s liking.

But he felt like he can’t be loud either. He feels like there’s something hanging in the air and he hates that he doesn’t know what it is. He just thinks that he’ll meet Niall now, he’ll see him now back at their home. But he can’t help feeling down with all the dull expression of his family.

And then he can’t take it anymore.

“What is it?” Harry asks sternly that had everyone jump in their seats. “What happened?”

The car suddenly halted into stop and Robin stopped the engine. “We’re here.” He announces.

Harry looked out of the window and saw unfamiliar place. They’re not in his house.

“Where are we?” Harry asks and to his shock, Anne bursts out sobbing in the front seat. Gemma sighed and Robin closes his eyes.

“What’s wrong, mum? What’s happening?” He asks frantically. His mum is crying and it makes him uneasy. Nervous even. And he hates not knowing what the reason behind all the crying and uneasy actions of his family.

“Mum?” Harry raises his voice and his mum walked out of the car. She then opened the car door beside Harry and hugs him tight in his seat.

“Mum, what is it?” Harry demanded and his mum just cried harder. Robin pulled Anne away from him and Gemma helped Harry out of the car.

“It’s your donor.” Robin says simply. But there’s forlornness in his voice and Harry felt confused.

“My donor?” No one answers Harry and they just guided him into the small chapel. He notices few people coming out and there are flowers on the door.

Harry felt nervous. He’ll meet the family of the donor, and he doesn’t know what to feel. He said that he’ll thank them, but now he doesn’t know how he’ll do it especially without Niall on his side.

He needs Niall. Now.

The stepped inside the chapel, and when Harry saw the picture beside the casket, he felt his feet halt to stop and his knees buckle. Gemma hugs him tightly as he felt his chest tightens.

No. It can’t be.

All eyes turn at them and Anne sobbed harder.

“No.” Harry whispers. Gemma hugs him harder as he felt her tears drop on his shirt.

His mum walked in front of him and she hugs him herself.

“This is a joke, right?” Harry asks his mum as he stares at the casket. “A big sick joke?”

When his mum didn’t answer, he looked at the few people sitting in the small room, looking at him with pity in their eyes.

“Tell me this is a joke!” Harry tells them. “You’re all going to laugh at me and then he’ll appear and you’ll all tell me that this is a big prank!”

When no one moved, Harry whispered, “Right?”

“He gave you his heart, son.” Robin whispered and Harry can’t take it anymore.

“No way! This has to be a joke!” Harry exclaims and then he’s walking straight to the casket.

When he’s beside the casket, he hears himself gasp. As much as he’d like to say that this is all a joke, he seems can’t find the voice to say it.

And there he is, inside the white casket. Wearing a suit and lying there peacefully, with his blond locks styled neatly and his eyes tightly closed. The guy who always cooks him breakfast; the guy who always kisses him and tells him everything will be okay; the guy who’s always there at his side; the guy who became his strength; the guy who is his everything; and the guy who donates his own heart for him.

Harry felt a tear pour out of his eye and he’s crying. No, he’s not just crying, he’s wailing. The tears pour out of his eyes and his heart and it hurts. Everything hurts. He wishes him to wake up and tell him this is a joke, but he knows it won’t happen.

His Niall is gone. And it is because of him.

“Why did he have to do that?” Harry asks as he cries, his mum hugging him tightly as she tries to soothe him.

“It’s his decision.” Gemma tells him, “He volunteered to do it.”

“But you should’ve stopped him! You should’ve not allowed him to do it!” Harry snaps as he looks at Niall.

“We tried. Trust me, we tried. He’s like a family to us.” Gemma says quietly, tears rushing down her face. “But when he found out that his heart was compatible for you, he immediately told the doctor that he will do it. And we never got the chance to stop him.”

Harry just cried harder. He doesn’t care if the few visitors can see him wail; he just cried and cried and cried. He felt the heart on his chest slowly breaking, and it’s hard for him to breathe.

And he doesn’t know if everything is okay now, or if it will ever be okay.

 

///

 

Harry hates wearing black, he decided.

They’re all now in the cemetery, and it’s raining hard. Like the sky can feel all the remorse in Harry’s heart and poured it all out. Like the sky is crying for Niall, too.

His mum, his stepdad, and his sister are there with him in this funeral. Few of their friends, colleagues, and co-workers are there, too. Even Barbara came and voiced out her sympathy. But all voices are drowned in Harry’s ears as he stares at Niall’s casket.

Then the presider calls him for his eulogy. Harry doesn’t know how his eulogy went as he all just poured what is in his heart. But when he saw his mum choke a sob, he then thinks that it maybe heartfelt and Harry doesn’t know what to feel.

And when the casket slowly lowers down, he can’t stop himself from crying. The tears are pouring down his face and he made no move to wipe it. The love of his life is now six feet on the ground and all he can do is to cry.

He’s still quietly crying even when the visitors started to leave and it’s only him left in the cemetery.

He only leaves when the rain turned into soft breeze, as if blanketing him from what he’s feeling, and it’s soothing.

 

///

 

It’s too quiet for his liking.

He enters their house – his house, and went straight to the master’s bedroom. He saw the neat blankets on the bed and Harry made his beeline straight to it.

The blankets smelled like Niall.

Harry felt the burn at the back of his eyes, and no, he’s not going to cry again. He’s too tired to cry again. He just stripped down and made his way to the dresser. He saw Niall’s favorite flannel and decided to wear it, his nose clogging with Niall’s scent.

He misses Niall.

He went back to their bed – his bed, and lays on Niall’s side on the mattress. Then he felt a small tear escape his eye but he wipes it. He’s done with crying now, he should stop doing it. He remembers Niall calling him a fighter and now he needs to prove him that.

He needs to be strong.

And even though everything is not the same and everything is not perfect anymore, or it will never be perfect anymore, he feels Niall’s heart beating on his chest and he smiles. He thinks that Niall is still with him, in his chest, and he will never leave.

Harry is about to doze off when he notices an envelope on the bedside table. He immediately picked it up and saw Niall’s familiar scrawl on the envelope.

 

_For my love and my life, Harry._

 

Harry’s breathe hitches as he opened the envelope. Niall wrote him a letter, and Harry’s grateful for that.

 

_My love Harry,_

 

_Hello babe. How are you? How’s you’re feeling?_

_When you’re reading this, I’m probably now in a casket, or maybe six feet under the ground, but don’t worry. I’m totally fine with that. And I bet that you’re now either naked or wearing my shirt. Too bad, I won’t be there to witness that._

_Please know that I’m really sorry. About Barbara. And please know that I don’t have anything with her, she’s just a friend, a co-worker. I should’ve been wiser and haven’t posed with her like that, or even went to the club with her. And I’m really really sorry. It’s my fault that your heart had huge conflicts and now you have to undergo heart transplant._

_And also know that I love you. I love you so much. It’s only you that I love and no one can change that. Ever._

_When the doctor told us that you need to undergo heart transplant, I blamed myself for it. I still blame myself for it. It’s really my fault and I won’t ever forgive myself if anything happens to you._

_We looked for the right heart for you but we can’t find any. Looked at different hospitals, we even tried overseas, but no, we didn’t find any. Then the doctor said that your heart is getting weaker and weaker, and if we didn’t find any as soon as possible, it can cause you death._

_And then it occurred to me that what if I give you my heart. There’s nothing wrong with trying, right? Because mine might be compatible to you. And miraculously, it matched. My heart matched with you._

_And then and there I said to the doctor that I’ll give you my heart. He asked me several times if I’m sure about it and I always reply with ‘Sure, 100% sure.’_

_Because, you know what, I don’t know what I’d do with my life without you by my side. I don’t know if I can bear the thought of you dead. When the doctor said that you might die, I became scared, desperate even. I don’t want you to die. I’d rather die myself than to see you on a casket. I love you too much for that. And you’re the only family I had, babe. I had no one except for you._

_And when I thought that if it was me dead, then it’s fine. You have a lot of people who wait for you, baby. You have everyone; I had no one except for you. And I’d be happy if you lived. If you survive._

_I love you, baby. And I want you to live a new life. I’m sorry I won’t be there when you go to Australia, have a dinner at Paris, buy a cottage in Ireland, or when you adopt a dog or a cat. But please do that when you’re fully healed. I’d be very happy if you do that._

_I wish my heart is doing you good. It’s yours now. Please, take care of it._

_I love you, Harry._

_-Niall xoxo_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure what kind of heart disease is that so it's purely fictional, I think. Made it up for the sake of this fic. :)) Sorry. :))
> 
> I hope that you liked it. :)))


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